I think I am dying

I think I am dying.

I have been sick since last week. And we're talking like, so sick I have no voice, I can hardly breathe, and it's virtually impossible for me to even leave the house.

Today I had to roll my ass out of bed and go to work because tomorrow is supposed to be my last day, but no one will give me a straight answer. I have missed this whole week due to my constant coughing and chills and yuckys. I even had to get new medicine which is helping a bit, but not enough to stop me from DYING. I think I have to go back to the doctor today to make sure I don't have pnemonia.

Ok, I just wanted to let everyone know I am alive. Ok. I think they are going to send me home now. Finally.

Vegas

First let me say never go to Vegas with bronchitis. So not a good idea.

My Vegas trip started out with a two hour delay on the plane while they fixed some "box." Now, here is the interesting part of my whole flight. This particular airline did not serve booze on this one hour hop skip and a jump to Sin City. Interesting, eh? I was a hella disappointed.

So I finally get into Vegas, starving, while Stoli is at dinner, I get my fabulous self ready and decided to go get some food. Well in our hotel, the only place open at midnight was the delicious buffet. I am not snubbing buffets, but at midnight, it's not really the place you want to eat at where the food has most likely been sitting out all day. Eew.

I finally met up with Stoli and we were out. We headed to Pure at Caesars, a fairly new nightclub, where apparently anyone can get on the list, cause when I called it was the easiest list in Vegas to get on. (FYI) The drinks were expensive, the guys were, interesting, and we were on the prowl. We made our way around and found ourselves attacked by this young Hollywood type taking our picture and inviting us to drink with them from their bottle. When their friend got kicked our, he invited us to a strip club, but when his one friend freaked out and revealed he wanted no girls at the bachelor party it was straight back to the club for us.

As soon as we were back in the club, we ran into a guy who I cast on show last year. He was with his nephew (who is 5 years younger than him and SUPER HOT). After catching up and finding out it was nephews birthday we paired off, me with Birthday Boy and Stoli with Cast Guy.

They took us back to Cast Guy's house, but not before stopping at the store so I could buy some Robutussin- hot right?

Birthday Boy was amazing. I am telling you, he was my present. We lounged around all morning, and by noon we were starving. By way of my sidekick I found out that Stoli had been kidnapped and Cast Guy was turning out to be SuperPsychoClingyGuy. We rescued Stoli and hitched a ride back to the Strip from Birthday Boy and the three of us went to lunch.

That night while at dinner Stoli received a call from SPC guy asking what we were doing and yada yada, so we thought we'd milk his connections and go over the the Hard Rock and get in with no cover and VIP blah blah. Too bad he was ready to marry her and ruined a perfectly good evening that we could have had with all his psycho babble. Birthday Boy was looking FINE and we were having a blast. Ah well. Drama.

All in all it was a good time had by all. The weekend went by fast. It sucks that I was sick.

Very much looking forward to planning our next trip. New York, Santa Barbara, San Francisco?

I think I'll Call in Sick

Sorry for the late posting for I have been catching up on laundry all day.

Yes, I have managed to get two, yes two days off of work prior to my Vegas trip. I have been feeling under the weather this week and the boss' assistant flat out told me to go to the doctor and stay home so I can have fun this weekend- so that's what I did. There is nothing major wrong with me but he gave me some medicine to help me feel much better for the weekend.(no worries Stoli- this won't ruin our weekend). So good times. I guess they really just don't want me in the office.

I don't have much to report other than while at the pharmacy I saw none other than American Idols very own Ryan Seacrest. I must admit he is much better looking in person than I would expect.

Very much looking forward to a scandalous weekend in Sin City. Will have many stories to tell on Monday.

PQ Out.

Mid Week Blahs

So they have moved me from the privacy of my own office to a desk in the "bullpen" where all the producers work. I can't even listen to my own music anymore.

At least I am going to Vegas on Friday. Little do they know that I am leaving early so that I can catch my flight. I mean, what are they going to do, fire me?

I've been eating nothing but spinach, lettuce, tuna, and grapefruit to prepare me for my hot outfits this weekend. It's part of a "plateau diet" prescribed by my weightloss center. I've been going to this clinic since November and have lost 30 pounds so these people know what they are talking about. It's a high protein, low carb diet that gives helps you make healthy life choices and blah blah blah. Too bad the past month and a half I have not been making very good "choices" and have been focusing on going out and making "poor food choices" but once this job is over I plan on getting back on track.

Tonight I am going to try to get out of work early so that I can go get a manicure and go buy a new pair of jeans or a cute new outfit for Vegas before I have to pick up my fluff and fold. I still have my delicates to wash when I get home.

Thank the Lord it is Wednesday already. Please let today go quickly.

I've been squeezed

Not only did they get rid of my parking space today but they are moving me out of my big spacious office so that someone else can have it. I've been in this office since I've been here.

This is bull shit. If my last day wasn't next week I'd quit.

The big Squeeze

The past few weeks I have been scheming to squeeze my "business partner" out of my passion project.

After all, he has no true passion for the project. He helped me edit my treatment and that's about it. I don't feel that he has much else to offer to the project. I think I am convincing myself that this is the thing to do more than I am convicing everyone else.

I think karma has comeback to bite me in the butt because I came into work this morning and my parking space was mysteriously changed into someone else's. And as I walked into the office, the door to my office that I locked last night was wide open.

My last day is supposed to be next week, but I have to option of renegotiating. Yesterday they had me put together a book of everyone we had cast throughout the show.

I think with all the efforts I am putting towards squeezing my partner out I should start focusing on my renegotiation if I don't want to be the one squeezed out.

I'm not your Therapist

Friday Night Stoli and I continued our restaurant tour at the Fenix at the Argyle Hotel- at least we thought it was. We got out of our cab and were whisked in to what looked like someone's living room. For sure it couldn't be the trendy hotspot restaurant/nightclub that was all a buzz.

After stuffing our faces course after course, and letting our food settle while lounging in our most comfortable armchairs, we decided to head across the street to the tourist trap known as Saddle Ranch, Where on the weekends you are lucky to find anyone who is from the neighborhood, let alone from La La Land. Weekdays are not so bad.

We ventured across the street and were immediately greeted by a group of underage girls being turned away at the door. Inside we were grabbed by an overzealous bartender who threw free shots down our throats and invited us to stay in his section for the evening. We visited our favorite host/bullrider who we see on our monthly brunches here. (Oh yeah and some excited out-of-towner informed us- this is the place where they shot Sex and the City and Desperate Housewives bullriding scenes- we just shook our heads) The girls were going nuts over him so we moved back to the bar and mounted ourselves there for the rest of the night. First we were approached by a group of college kids who spilled on Stoli, so we got our first free drinks of the night. He then asked what we did for a living. I told them I was Stoli's Bitch.

Then there was the poor kid from Louisiana who's friend kept going around telling people how gay his friend's shirt was. And I admit it was a little gay. Well, a lot. So I told him, then I bought him a drink because I felt bad. He was also really excited about the Road Ruler that was working at the bar. WooHoo- I mean come on, if they are your bitch for the night and you have to tip them can they really be looked up to as a celebrity?

So getting to the juicy part of my story. This really cute guy comes up behind me with a really pissed off look on his face. He actually looked like he belonged. I asked him why the long face.
Not willing to tell me why he was pissed off, but able to get a smile out of him, he got his drink and chatted for a few. I found out he was here from Disjoined doing something with the fashion district and his friend was a total mute, sorry Stoli. We told him if we knew of any after-hours, we'd let him know.

Alrighty, looking promising. Much better than St. Patty's Day.

So the night came to a close, we said good-bye to our bullrider boy and were found by the Iowa boys. They decided they wanted to go pay for an after-hours, Stoli wanted to pay for a cab, and I wanted to get some action. After about a half a block of deliberation I gave Iowa my number and told him if he wanted to call after the club he could. Stoli and I caught a cab and headed to our respective homes.

45 minutes later. The phone rang and it was Iowa, on his was on his way over. We ended up talking for a while and I found out he was an ex-Jehovah’s Witness who had been divorced for about a month after being married since he was 19. He was just trying to find his way in the world with out being attached. We had amazing sex. Then he wanted to talk some more, about what it's like to be alone. And how he thinks he has co-dependency issues, but doesn't want to be in a relationship. This went on for over an hour.

I was thinking, I need to have a better screening process. He finally fell asleep and I felt like charging him $150 for listening to his woes. I sure know how to pick em.

Now I have to go cast a clown. Vegas in 4 days baby!

I was THAT Girl

It's now 12:15 and I have just rolled into work. And man am I hurting.

I don't think I drank that much last night. Did I? My bar tab was surprisingly low, but I guess there were the few that the random guy who works at the Cheesecake Factory bought me and oh yeah- the guy who I will call "Big Talker" who knew Vince Vaughn and M.Night Shamalanading-dong's Guinness that I kept drinking. THAT'S where I went wrong. And I'm not just talking about the beer.

There is a whole backstory here that I am not feeling well enough to get into, but it has to do with a connection that good friend Gallery Girl has to do with a movie that Vince Vaughn is producing. So my drunk ass starts talking to Big Talker and of course we talk about Gallery Girl and that segues into some flirtations and more drinking and meanwhile he is on the phone with half of Hollywood. Not really impressed, more annoyed because I wanted the attention. He's also promising hook-ups to half the bar and me.

The bar is closing, we make-out a little, decide to go home together. THEN here's where everything went south.

At some point there was a decision to go to an afterhours. We were whisked in the backdoor of the club and taken to the VIP room. Only to sit and watch some drunkass pass out. My girlfriends decide it was time to go. After all, there was no promised bottle of Crystal. They insisted I go with them, my drunkself insisted I would stay. Big Talker said, "you should stay." So we walked to the car conveniently parked in the back alley and I said again with sex on the mind that I was going to stay. This time my friends were adamant that I should go with them. Now, did they just not like this guy? Or did they know something I didn't.

I asked they give me a min. I followed Big Talker inside and he was all like you should stay la la la. I call my friend from inside to tell them I was staying when she flat out told me he told them was just being nice to me and didn't really want to hook up with me! At my that point- I told Big Talker I was going to go and shamefully made the walk to my friends feeling like a major asshole.

UH- where did I miss the signals? Why didn't I just trust my friends in the first place? I was so that girl. The girl that hangs on the guy that doesn't want her and everyone knows it but her.

Now I am hungover and feel like the biggest ass. I can't remember the last time I let this happen. I am normally more in control of these situations. Ah well. You live and you learn. And when you have your momentary lapses of judgment, it's good to have friends like I do, espeically on a night like last night.

Ask Yourself

Before you go out this Evening You May Want to Take this Little Quiz (Courtesy of my new favorite book "The Hookup Handbook A Single Girl's Guide to Living it UP" but Andrea Lavinthal and Jessica Rozler)

WHAT IS YOUR HOOKUP STYLE?

1. I Hook Up:
a. every once in a while. Who Doesn't
b. my DVD player to my TV.
c. only on days that end in y.

2. I wear thongs:
a. on my feet.
b. when I don't want visible panty lines.
c. when I'm lucky enough to find them on the floor the next morning.

3. My Longest Relationship Lasted for:
a. six months
b. six years
c. six beers

4. True or False: Drink till he's cute.

5. If variety is the spice of life, the my romantic life is:
a. curry
b. white rice
c. wasabi smeared onto a paper cut.

6. True or False: Manolo Blahniks.

7. The morning after a wild night on the town, I wake up:
a. with my pjs on, alone in my bed.
b. with a massive hangover
c. with a massively well-hung man

8. Boys:
a. lie
b. Can't live with them, can't live without them.
c. need to take a number if they want to get into my bedroom.

9. The song title that best describes my social life is:
a. "Let's get drunk and screw," Jimmy Buffett
b. "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun," Cyndi Lauper
c. "All by Myself," Celine Dion

10. True or False: Happy Hour

11. Complete the following analogy: Me: Monogamy
a. J.Lo : Marriage
b. Britney Spears : Virginity

ANSWER KEY
1. A:2; B:1; C 3
2. A:1; B:2; C: 3
3. A:1; B:2; C:3
4. True: 3; False: 1
5. A: 2; B: 1; C: 3
6. True: 3; False: 1
7. A:1; B:2; C:3
8. A:1; B:2; C:3
9. A:3; B:2; C:1
10. True:3; False:1
11. A:1; B:3


IF YOU SCORED:
11 to 15 Bootyphobic: The Once- In-A-Blue-Moon Hookup Artist
You do hook up- as often as February has twenty-nine days or solar eclipsed darken the midday sky. In order to irrigate your romantic dessert, you need to break you standing date with the remote control and live a little! You're young, you're single, and you're fabulous. A little make-out session here and there never hurt anyone.

16 to 25 Bootylicious: The Healthy Hookup
YOu are a healthy, normal girl. You kick back, relax, have fun, and every once in a while hook up. Don't change a thing. You'll do fine.

26 to 33 Bootymonster: The Hookup-a-holic
Stop in the name of love... and STDs.... and liver damage. deadlineYou are a science project gone crazy- a hormone driven, alcohol fueled queen of random sexual encounters. Part of us wants you to stop, but the other wants you to keep doing what you are doing. Obviously you have a lot of friends who are enjoying the free entertainment you provide. And who are we to deprive them of that?

The Hook-Up

Highly Recommended Reading

I was recently gifted the "Hookup Handbook" in honor of this token day of drunkeness I pose this question: What is a Hook-Up?

I know I use the term very loosely. The book does too.

Is Hooking-up a night of wild sex, "rounding the bases", making out in the bar, or passing out with light groping? Or all of the above?

What are your thoughts?

Cling On No More

The other night I ventured to Clingy guy's restaurant for dinner with Stoli and good friend Gallery Girl.

Entering the Cuban themed restaurant we were quickly greeted by a friendly Clingy guy who sat us in the "back room and informed us he would be back and would take care of us."

Let me tell you about this "back room" The back room was more like a cage. There were bars, and the door had a latch that even the waiters had trouble with each time they had to come in and out. He sat us next to an obnoxious woman who excused herself only to return with a big gulp from 7-11. Totally irrelevant to the story, but I felt I needed to add.

We ordered drinks from our over sat waiter who I couldn't understand a lick of what he was saying and watched as Clingy guy ran back and forth through the restaurant.

We were able to eat our amazing tapas in peace without being molested like I was the other night. It was also nice having the support of Stoli and Gallery Girl who were just meeting for the first time.

By the time we were ready to order our dessert Clingy guy found the time to pull up a chair and share HIS WHOLE LIFE STORY. It wasn't that bad at first. He started off by telling us the story of the restaurant and then he went into telling us about his whole family, and how he lives with his 6 cousins, and then how his family is responsible for blah blah blah and all this random stuff about his life story which actually was very interesting but without us really asking while we were simply trying to enjoy some flan and apple tart then he started telling us about how everyone has hobbies in his family and what each persons hobbies were including his photography hobby. And while he was passionately talking about cooking and buying the whole chefs getup I was thinking "this guy isn't clingy guy, this guy is slightly gay guy who is needy for friends."

THEN out of NOWHERE he pulls out a camera and starts showing us pictures he's taken of the sky and the restaurants and then he goes "and here's my cat, isn't she cute?"

At that moment I looked at my phone and as if God was looking down on me I saw I had 2 missed calls from my boss. A WAY OUT! Remember the actor lost, actor found? Well that actor was lost again and I needed to find him STAT!

We paid the bill, which he did not comp ANYTHING on- except the desserts because the waiter was so inept- and thanked him. We were walked to the valet and invited to hang out again with his 150 relatives at the restaurant and party.

Clingy Guy is just a Needy Closeted Guy. We will probably hang out with him again seeing the food was so good. It's a good contact to have. Especially in this town. But I do not foresee letting the now Needy Closeted Guy massage me anytime soon.

By the way. Actor found, again. I could kill him.

It's a ?

We have been casting a lot of odd roles for the show I work on lately. It's almost been like a three ring circus. (and no, it's not Jerry Springer)

Midgets, Sword Swallowers, Flakey Blonds with miniature dogs , XX-Large Female Tap Dancer, and now- a SHIM.

We cast this "woman" whom I will call "Jill" and I will admit she is a little masculine, but at the producers influence was cast in the segment.

Every actor that is cast has to be cleared by the unions. So per our usual we sent "Jill's" name and social security number. A few hours later the clearance list came but there was no "Jill" however there was a "Jack" with the same social security number. We sent it through again. Same thing. No "Jill" only "Jack."

"Jill" is "Jack"- or at least WAS "Jack."

I think "Jill-Jack" is going to be replaced by the Overweight Unicycling Latina Beauty.

Maybe Ringling Brothers will hire me next.

18th Hole

I have this thing. If you say you are going to call me, but you are in the middle of doing something and just don't call me back, I am going to assume that you are still doing that said activity.

This all began almost a year ago when I was dating this guy, and things seemed to be going great. One day he went for a hike and I haven't heard from him since. I assume he is either still hiking or was eaten by mountain lions.

Recently I started hanging out with someone and last weekend he went golfing. I haven't heard from him since the 8th hole.

Normally able to keep my composure and move on, I made the drunken mistake of calling him Friday night. The call went something like this

"J- I hope you are having a good time golfing. Because well as far as I know since you haven't called me, you should be somewhere around the 16th hole by now. So call me, or not, or whatever, but have fun golfing."

Totally forgetting about the incident. Monday rolled around and I recieved a phone call.

"L- It's J-." I've just finished the 18th Hole."

OH SHIT! He proceeded to tell me how he's so sorry he hasn't called (yeah right) and how busy he's been with work and he'll call later this week.

As far as I know, he'll be working for the rest of his life.

Hermit am I

This weekend I became a hermit crab. I left my house to go to the spa for a complete day of relaxation detox including salt glo, seaweed wrap, hour and a half massage, scalp treatment, and facial, oh and my hydrocolonic -which I must admit, although it seems uncomfortable and strange, was surprisingly cleansing.

After a quick and disappointing (I'll get to that) trip to Blockbuster I locked myself into my apartment for the remainder of the weekend. I shut myself off from society. I turned off my cell phone and my main line ringer. This was my weekend. No annoying business partners, no going out and retoxifying my body, no gossiping with the girls, and definitely no boys. It was me and my trusty couch that I've had since college, the TV and my brand spankin new DVD player, my favorite pair of PJs, and a stack full of take-out menus.

I armed myself with my 2 movies from Blockbuster (since I had gotten there late and got the last of the picks), a list of Pay-Per-View movies, diet coke, and carry-out from Jerry's Famous Deli and started my Saturday night.

I fell asleep after the first two movies and woke up and didn't move all day except to answer to door for the delivery guys (lunch and dinner).

By Sunday night I was an official couch potato and loved it. There was nothing stressing me out, which is a first for the first time in a long while. I feel ready to face the world again and everything it had in store for me.

Sometimes you need to detach yourself from the world in order to better reconnect with not only yourself but those around you. I am going to try to do this more often. It's good to be good to me.

I'm in the Twilight Zone

I was just drunk dialed by my 18 year old brother and my 58 year old father at 4:30 in the afternoon. They are on a college campus together in the midwest. Neither of them drink. The week is almost over.

Just when I thought

I have just been assigned the job of casting, and I kid you not - "A Little Person"

I wonder if any of the guys from the other night will show up for the audition.

Stoli, I think I will take you up on that drink now.

I really will be in Munchkinland on Monday!

Yup- got weirder

My printer just started printing by itself.

Never hit print. Never selected files to be printed. Just started warming up as if it were nobody's business and printed all the open windows on my screen.

I'm waiting for pigs to fly next.

Strange Days

This has been a weird week.

During the course of the week I have realized that I want to fire my business partner, visited munchkinland, been chewed out by Bigheaded Psycho Bitch at work for no reason other than breathing too loud, lost a cast member, found the same cast member, had a minor breakdown, and for the first time ever my shrink actually gave me straight forward advice (yes I see a shrink).

I am working on what some would call a "Passion Project." Something that I have been working on since I was in college. I'll tell you more about it later. A few months ago I approached another producer about it to get some fresh eyes on it and he latched on and somehow it spiraled into "our" project. Well, I have since then armed myself with business advisors and lawyers and have realized that although I have made some mistakes by letting this guy get attached to the project- I need to get rid of him. He is nothing but trouble. This is MY BABY. Plus he's got gangle teeth.

Munckinland- see yesterdays posting. Oy Vey.

I work with this woman who thinks her shit don't stink and the world revolves around her and that she is the ONLY one in the office with work to do. So Monday night she comes into my office all a tizzy barking orders at me about this that and the other and I calmly said "whatever you need psycho bitch" The next day one of the moron actors shows up almost 2 hours early. I go to tell her and she snaps "I have too much work yada yada blah blah" I asked her what she wanted me to do with the guy. She interpreted it as me huffing and puffing. She told me to make him wait the 2 hours until the appropriate audition time. Bitch. So I ask the guy to wait. Not even 10 min later walks by my office, DOESN'T GET ME- who is supposed to run the damn auditions- shoots me a look- and gets the guy and does the audition. A little later she comes into my office and says "What are we going to do about this situation between us" Confused- I gave her a blank stare. She started attacking me telling me what attitude I had and how much work she had and blah blah how I wasn't a "team player" which is BULL SHIT. I am the team. Then I started to cry! I told her how mean she was and how she attacks people. Too bad I am the only one in the office to stand up to her. Oh well. Later the Exec producer came in and apologized for her says she has issues. Her main issue- I have the big office and she has to sit in the main room with everyone else.

Actors think they are on their own schedules and production people do not spend oogles of money on them so they spend their merry time getting to places. For example. This morning Asshole was supposed to show at 10am. Didn't answer his 3 phones. Come noon. Oh yeah. I can make it at 2. Dickweed. Actor Found. Actor will never be hired again.

A little stressed about getting rid of Gangle Toothed partner. Hadn't heard back from super busy lawyer about a pressing matter. Couldn't find the appropriate notepad with my new therapy appointment time. Dad was overdramatizing things. Got to therapy an hour early because I couldn't remember the time and the door was locked. Sat in my car and cried like a baby. Feel much better.

Side note: I highly suggest seeing a shrink. I have seen them on and off since I was a kid. Not that I am nutso or anything. It's just a good way to escape your problems and have "me time"

Therapists normally do not tell you how to live your life or give solid suggestions of what to do. However because I have been so scatterbrained lately my shrink told me I needed to get an organizer like a sidekick or a palm pilot and get rid of all the notebooks, pads of paper, outlook express, filofax, and various ways that I TRY to keep myself organized.

Just now I was told they are buying me lunch at work. Tonight I am staying in to prepare for my detox day tomorrow. Manicure, Pedicure, Various Treatments at the spa, and a hydrocolonic (first of a series of 3). I'll let you know how it all goes.

I am Not a Ping Pong Ball

For those of you who also read Stoli's blog you might know a little about last night Dirty Talker, New Guy, Bible Humper (story of the name to follow) guy love triangle.

But I will clue you into this interesting saga.

So a few weeks ago Stoli and I ventured out to our normal wateringhole for Friday night drinks and we were on the prowl. After flirting our way through the bar we perched ourselves on our normal bar stools and were no sooner approached by two good looking guys, Dirty Talker and Bible Humper who were more interested in whether on not we were wearing panties or not than what our names were at first.

Now here is where things start to get interesting. I start the evening talking to Dirty Talker, Stoli starts talking to Bible Humper. I start making out a little with Dirty Talker, but get bored quickly and Stoli got bored with Bible Humper, so we made the swap.

4 or 5 Dirty Martini's later we were on our way back to Bible Humpers place for after hours, paired up accordingly. Woke up in the morning in Bible Humper's room, took a look around only to see myself surrounded by Jesus Loves Me posters, Crosses, Bibles, an other Christian love paraphernalia. Now mind you, I am a nice little Jewish Girl and quickly felt the need to get the hell out of there and he quickly felt the need to fuck again. Go figure. So he is a total Bible HUMPER (cause boy did that man like to HUMP)

I've run into Bible Humper a few times at the wateringhole, seeing as we are both regulars, and we've exchanged pleasantries and the notion of another night of no-strings attached sex.

Brings us up to last night. Dirty Talker invited Stoli and myself to a gathering at Chi. Bible Humper was supposed to attend, and occasionally would glance at the door with the hopes that I might get laid last night. Playing good host, Dirty Talker introduced us to these guys who run at a pretty cool restaurant that we are definitely putting on the list to go to. So we were hanging out with New Guy and Clingy Guy. Clingy Guy gave me a rose like 2 min after he met me and was all trying to hold my hand. I mean what are we- in 5th grade? Whatever. After the bar closed we ventured to an after hours at another bar that was kept open specially for our party. While we were there I was still hoping that Bible Humper would show. But Clingy Guy was trying to give me massages and play with my hair. YIKES! At some point Dirty Talker approached me and asked if I wanted to go talk up in the VIP section and check it out. Naive am I? We go up sit on the couch, I ask him about work, life, what a great party- and he leans in to kiss me!!

STOP THE PRESSES! I was like HOLD ON THERE BUDDY! Didn't you schtoop my girlfriend a few weeks ago? And have I NOT been asking about your buddy all night? AND isn't there a guy downstairs that is all up in my shit?

So I excuse myself and go back to tell Stoli what has just transpired. At which point Dirty Talker wants to talk to me again and tries to pull my ass into a dirty bathroom- which I refused, and we ended up in the kitchen- where he again tried to kiss me.

He got as far as my hand when I walked away and hitched a ride from New Guy and Clingy Guy and ended my night knowing at least I will get at least one free meal out of it. I hope to see Bible Humper next weekend.

Munchkinland

Last night my girlfriend Stoli and I went to one of our newest hotspots Chi. After making our way to the bar, we quickly noticed two things (one is totally irrelevant to this blog but I feel I must put it out there) 1. EVERYONE was wearing a hat! Did I miss the memo? and 2. All the men were abnormally short. I mean I am a whole 5'2 and I wear pretty high heals and I could look the majority of the hat wearing munchkins in the eye.

Now I have nothing against the vertically challenged- my whole family got the short end of the stick. HOWEVER, personally, there is just something about a man who wears the same size shirt and pants as I do that kinda turns me off. So there we were, sipping on martinis watching one shorty walk by after another.

Every 10 little men or so a tall guy would catch our eye, but that could be because he was in a sea of the Lollipop Guild. And the worst part were the girls (in little to no clothing mind you) were hanging all over these Napoleonic complexed men. As if they were the last men on earth.

Now being from the Midwest, I hold standards to the men that I go ga ga over. I like a MAN. You know. The kind of guy that is TALLER THAN I AM. A guy that towers over me. And more importantly doesn't wear the same shirt as I do because they can't find x-small in the mens department so they have to go all Ryan Seacrest and shop in the women's department.

I wonder if these guys will reproduce and have their own munchkins causing future generations to get shorter and shorter and eventually we will all be walking down Yellowbrick roads.

We're not in Kansas anymore Toto!

Here are some hot short short men:

At a whopping 5'7 Tom Cruise, Lost's Dominic Monaghan

A 1/2 inch taller at 5'7'' 1/2 is Wilmer Valderrama

At 5'8 is Comedy Guy Ben Stiller

Notable Mention at 5'9- my future husband(once he drops his bitch) Mark Ruffalo

25 is the New 38

Have you noticed the trend of young women getting married lately as if by the time they are 25 years old their biological clocks witll suddenly stop and the entire universe will come to a complete halt and they will shrivel up and turn into hideous creatures?

Last night while enjoying a delightful Sushi dinner with my girlfriend Gallery Girl, she made the comment that 25 is the new 38. Women are rushing to get married and have babies before they are 25 these days. And their husbands are getting older and older.

Look at these 20 somethings that got married and are preggers: Britney Spears and Kevin Federline ( shit she got married twice in one year), Nicolas Cage and Alice Kim (how may I serve you?), Woody Allen Marries Soon-Yi Previn (who yo baby daddy?), Michelle Branch pregnant with 1st child (babies having babies).


But I think 38 is beautiful, just look at Teri Hatcher, who is reviving a career at 40. Or what about Sarah Jessica Parker who just hit 40 as well. For all those Sex and the City and Desperate Housewives fans, we look up to these women. We talk about them around our morning lattes and weekend dirty martinis. Without them, for some of us at least, we would have no Sunday night entertainment and no Monday morning gossip.

I personally am looking forward to my ripe older age when I am wiser, know more about sex, and have more dating experience to make the right decision about who I want to settle down with, if I even chose to settle down at all.

So to my good friends who have already had their weddings, their first children, and have yet to reach 25. Hats off to you. I'm going for a martini.

Shameless Plug

So there is this kick ass television show in Los Angeles that is looking for people who's FRIENDS are OBSESSED with their cars.

We're talking they wash it a few times a week, avoid valet like the plague, put their life savings into pimping it out, you get the picture.

This is a hidden camera show that will give them the scare of their lives and it's up to you to set them up.

If you are interested please e-mail Castpotater@hotmail.com.

You'll get a chance to star in an hour of primetime network television, work with one of the best Hollywood special effects make-up artists, and get back at your friends for all the times they make you dump your Chi Latte before you got in the car.

The Sweet Side of Life

I work in an environment that does not allow time for a love life. You work with the people, you socialize with them, you see them from sun up to sun down.

However a few months ago I got myself in a predicament with one of the assistants here. I say predicament because he is a few years younger than I am and had a girlfriend clear cross the country.

Now before you make judgments about me, before anything was to continue with myself and assistant, he broke it off with her. But keep in mind that he did cheat on her.

So we dated for a while. But what made this situation interesting is every day at work we pretended like nothing had ever happened, but once office hours were over, let the love fest begin. No one had a clue, which is how I wanted it.

This lasted a good couple months. But the young assistant realized he was still heartbroken over his ex-girlfriend and had his own issues. So we continued to see each other casually, which meant a few times a week, and let him deal with his issues.

I am pretty close with my girlfriends, and needed to reconnect with them and not deal with whiney boy issues and meanwhile was dealing with some family stuff so I decided detach myself from the assistant for a weekend.

The next week at work I realized he was being a bit shady and flirting with one of the other girls in the office. I approached him and found out he had started hooking up with her while I was out hanging out with my girlfriends.

She did not know about me. So I told her. She did not know he had cheated on his previous girlfriend. She was floored.

He is now alone. And everyday like clockwork he comes into my large office and takes out my trash. Fitting.

Uncage the Rabbit

I am one who has never really been able to hold on to a man. I take that back: Men are not able to hold on to me. Not by any fault of my own, but because the men of today are merely moronic who are not able to deal with the beauty and wonder that is I. At least that is what I try to tell myself when the phone doesn't ring after the dreaded words "I'll call you."

I know the sex was good, otherwise he wouldn't have come back more than once. I think there is just something about me that makes me attractive to the non-committal. Tattooed across my forehead : GOOD FOR A FREE RIDE (disclaimer- there is nothing tattooed on my forehead)

Maybe it's because I am young, fairly successful, and independent. And with independence brings singleness (at least in my case). I truly enjoy the company that a man brings to the bedroom and to my life, I am prepared when that obvious one night stand happens, but when the glimmer of hope that we might actually move from the bedroom into at LEAST the living room and god forbid out of the house and the only phonecall I get is from a telemarketer- well buddy - it's back to the local watering hole where if you are lucky your previous week's one night stand might turn into a two night stand.

Welcome to adulthood. May I recommend the rabbit? Doc Johnson ® : Products

I have arrived

Welcome to my very first bolg.

After a few months of reading other peoples blogs I have decided to venture into the unknown and air a little of my own dirty laundry and life without sharing too too much about who I am and what I do.

What I will share are fun random stories about life, the people that surround me, and and other exciting news in the world that I feel in derserving of a post.

Thanks to Stoli for introducing me to this site! http://fortheman.blogspot.com/